Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it