Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.