Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
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Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
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If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
And then there were 4
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.