Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry