Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
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Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me