Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?