Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
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A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Where is your GOD now????
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy