Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.