Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

Truth

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*