Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Am I having a stroke?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.