Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”