don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I don’t get marriage
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.