don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
You Might Also Like
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no