don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.