don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Cashiers are always checking me out
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.