Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

I need better friends