Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

“and how does that make you feel?”

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club