Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

This will never not be funny 😭

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.