Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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They must have gotten it to go.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Yes, but it was never about money
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Thursday Thought.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.