Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?