Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
oh you wanna fight?!
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!