Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
This rocks
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters