Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…