Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Ape together strong
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[loses house key, starts a new life]