Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Buying a well is money well spent.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Need this in my life lol
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.