Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast