Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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My dog ate my work from home.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Home is where your toilet is.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.