Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
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*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.