Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.