Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”