Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.