don’t we all
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?