don’t we all
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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.