Don’t we all.
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Most fashion shows these days…
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit