Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
You Might Also Like
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
This makes total sense…
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.