don’t we all
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where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
everyone’s a critic
Bobby pin
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“Would library staff like training on potential future applications of AI?” my dude I’m still waiting for someone to show me how to use our payroll software
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.