Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.