“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
You Might Also Like
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
my retirement plan is braless
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Blew out my flip flop…
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.