“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME