“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.