Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.