Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I see your IQ test came back negative
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
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“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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Smells like a challenge to me
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COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!