Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.