Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

No, YOUR illiterate.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

Body by sandwich.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.