“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
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Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
me when I see my crush
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish