Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
This kinda thing happens to me often
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
men are simple creatures
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.