Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.