Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.