Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
You are not alone 💚
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…