Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
LMFAOOOO
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.