New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.