Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
No, he would not have.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew