Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
You Might Also Like
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
perfect
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Need this in my life lol
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
