Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
accurate
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill