Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.