Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
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When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one