don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
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Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”