don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.