Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
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The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
journal
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Google Pay be like:
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Not recommended for beginners.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name