Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.