Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
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Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.