Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.