Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
me
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
PLEASE READ
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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