Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.