Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
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I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split