Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Meow
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.