Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
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[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
concern
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
But wait…
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.