Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*