Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
who did the taste test?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The options really are this bad
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*