Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer