Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”