Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
😭😭😭
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.