Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
💀💀
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving