Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
🐕🍷
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done