Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
lego batman: i hate the rain
lego batman: the puddles
me: what’s wrong with puddles
lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire
Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall
Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
*opens jar of wasps*
doctor: you have a disease which makes you speak in palindromes
doctor: the good news is it’s not serious
doctor: the bad news is you’ve just given it to me
me: i did, did i?
doctor: dammit i’m mad
I’m 5’3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality….disorder.
*pours heart out*
Weigh me now