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@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

@JermHimselfish

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

@pushinghoops

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

@Mr_Kapowski

[fancy restaurant]

Wife: How was the bathroom?

Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall

@prontopup

Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.

@ehchino

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

@robots_feel

doctor: you have a disease which makes you speak in palindromes

me: wow

doctor: the good news is it’s not serious

me: yay

doctor: the bad news is you’ve just given it to me

me: i did, did i?

doctor: dammit i’m mad

@eliserose5

I’m 5’3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality….disorder.