Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind