Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Buck naked

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

My Guy

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.