Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Anyone want a chair?

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Finally

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.