Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Try and stop me.