Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

what’s more important?

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”